3 signs of shallow confidence
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3 signs of shallow confidence

One of the exercises recommended by coaches is to remind yourself of your successes. When a stressful moment is comming, remember what you've achieved in your life and you will feel more confident. And it's true. It works, but only in the short term. If you base your confidence on external things and if it happens that you haven’t achieved anything recently or even worse – you failed at something even a few times in a row, then your confidence will disappear. That’s when most people who build their confidence on recent success fail. When there’s an obstacle or a failure, their confidence collapses immediately, because it is based on something external.

Another great tip? When stress out before a conversation with someone, think what you are better at than the person. This scheme may help you feel a bit more comfortable, but acting this way, you join a game that you are not able to win. You feel intimidated, because you compare yourself to someone else. The best way out of this situation is to stop comparing and to get out of this race and not to try to get credit by force.

Another recommendation is going out of your comfort zone. This means, for example: walking through the city with one of your hands raised in the air. This is just another attempt to prove yourself something: “See? You were able to do this, so you’ll manage to do that.". Again, this means building your confidence on external experiences. There’s a chance this scheme will work, but only as long as the circumstances favor.
If someone is very unconfident, by doing these exercises, they can notice positive results and realize that the world and people’s reactions are not horrible, but rather positive or at least neutral. The flaw of this mindset is its shallowness. The source of this kind of confidence are external factors: how much you earn, what car you drive, what you look like or even how many friends you have or whether you have a partner or not. In this model, when a crisis arises, most people lack self-esteem, are depressed and their confidence disappears.

Building a deep self-confidence it is based on something totally different. The key is to realize that you don’t need to compare yourself to anybody else to feel good. You don’t need to own anything. You don’t need to prove anything to anyone. Self-confidence is a natural state of being of every person. You don’t have to do anything else to feel confident. It’s enough to understand that your beliefs are fake. Then you will stop believing in the illusions that appear in your head.

Imagine a young man who believes that he cannot meet beautiful women until he owns a fancy car. This thought stops him from dating. When he accidentally meets an attractive person, he feel worse and not attractive. Meanwhile, his friend doesn’t have any car at all, but he doesn’t care about it and he doesn’t lack self-confidence.

A woman whose self-esteem is based on her looks has a similar problem – she feels great and is self-confident when she knows that she looks beautiful. But when she gains some weight or has no time to do her make-up, her self-esteem disappears. The solution in such situations is to notice the fact that a woman can feel good even if she doesn’t look good. Self-confidence appears when the illusion disappears.

Of course, all these facts don’t mean that it’s not worth to take care about yourself or to save for a fancy car. It is good to strive for your goals, but you shouldn’t make your confidence depend on them, because then you become a slave to your goals.

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See you next week!
Robert Marchel