The reason for a quarrel, contrary to appearances, does not lie in the fact that the other person has done something to make you angry on purpose - because this happens very rarely. Quarrels usually result from one partner showing lack of respect - and this is a reason that is practically invisible - or at least most people are not aware of it.
Let's see an example. The boy wants to postpone the meeting with his girlfriend for another day, because he wants to meet his friends who organised the meeting on that very same day. Whether this situation will end up in a quarrel depends on two things:
- It depends on in what way the boy will communicate his will to postpone the meeting.
- It depends on what attitude his girlfriend will adopt.
In the first case, the more warmth and respect the boy shows to his girlfriend while postponing the meeting, the less chance that the girl will be offended.
For example, it will be much better to call and say, "Babe, I'm sorry, but I won't be able to see you today because my friends have finally organized a meeting together and I really want to meet them. I am sorry, that I am only now letting you know, but I will be happy to see you tomorrow or the day after tomorrow - anytime and anywhere you want.
It is much worse to write a text message in this style: "Hello. I can't meet with you today. I will call you tomorrow.
In these two situations the result is the same - the meeting is cancelled - but the way of communication is crucial.
Of course, even if the girl receives the text message I mentioned earlier, there is no reason to be offended immediately. She also needs to understand that first of all - everyone has the right to decide about their life and her boyfriend can cancel the meeting with her - if he prefers to do something different.
Even if the reason for cancelling the meeting would be that he is simply tired - convincing him to agree to meet will have a negative impact on the girl's attractiveness.
Secondly, even if the way in which the boy cancels the meeting is rather dry and repulsive, it does not mean that the girl should feel bad about it and start an argument.
Of course, she may or should actually talk to him about it later, but first of all - it's always worth doing it calmly - and secondly, instead of reminding the other side what they did, it's better to say how you felt when you heard something like that - it completely changes the way you communicate.
Compare these two examples:
- If you have made an appointment with me, then you should meet with me.
- I understand that you want to see your friends - I just felt really bad with how you told me about it. I felt as if you didn't care about me at all.
So, if something troubles you about your partner, think first of all:
- How would you behave if you were him. Don't you by any chance restrict his freedom?
- Don't accuse him, don't point out his mistakes, don't teach him. Every time you arouse hostility in him, the agreement will be over and a regular quarrel will begin.
- Talk about how you feel when your girlfriend or boyfriend does something you don't like. This is the best way of communication in your relationship.
- Try to stay calm no matter what. When you start shouting at each other, any understanding will disappear immediately.
- Stay calm, even if your partner is the first to explode. Don't get into discussions, just gently ask him/her to calm down and then you'll be happy to talk to him/her.
- Also try to see your mistakes - even if they were much smaller than your partner's misconduct. Then give him an example. Admit and apologize for them - at the same time tell them how you felt when they behaved so rude towards you.If you are in a relationship already and you want to check what chances of survival your relationship has, do a free test concerning relationships on robertmarchel.com