This is a situation which a lot of people encounter every day. You catch your partner lying. What to do then? The answer is: it depends very much on the specific situation. In this video I will show you two specific cases.
I will immediately add that the knowledge from this video is not accidental. I have been consulting on male-female relations since 2008. Every day I hear a lot of different stories, and thanks to that I know very well what kind of solutions to such situations can work in practice.
Let's see a specific example.
Andrzej heard from his girlfriend Jowita that she was going to watch a film with her girlfriends and stay with them for the night. But on the next day he found out from his friend that he saw Jowita in a club - she danced there with her friends. When Andrzej asked Jowita discreetly how her evening was, he heard a lie that she watched a film and then she was having a wine while chatting with her friends until late hours in the evening.
What should he do in such a situation?
In order to answer this question, it is essential to understand the essence of the problem. Why did Jowita lie to him? In this example, we assume that she doesn’t have an affair - it was just some fun time in the club. In my opinion, the most probable reason for the lie is that she was afraid of her boyfriend's reaction.
She was afraid that she would be jealous of her going out to the club and it could be a cause of quarrels. So to prevent that from happening, she decided not to tell him anything.
If you think of any other possible reason, write it in the comments - I will be happy to answer it.
What are the possible solutions in such a situation?
- Andrzej can put some pressure on her and make a scene. He may threaten to break with her if he goes to the club once again. How do you think it will affect their relationship? Will it make Jowita tell him next time that she is planning to go to a party? Or maybe it will make it impossible for Jowita to go anywhere else without him?
If his reaction is harsh, there is no reason for Jowita to tell him next time that she wants to go to the disco, because she will be afraid of this reaction again. If she really cares about him, it's a chance that she won't go to the party alone in the near future, but it's a very poor kind of motivation that will weaken her feelings towards Andrzej.
The effect will be even worse if Jowita's main reason to go to the club was that her feelings towards Andrzej got weaker and that she was actually hoping to getting to know someone new there. If this was the case, Andrzej, making a scene, shows how much he was emotionally affected, and thus shows in this worst way how much he cares about her - in the situation when she did something that could be a sign of lack of interest.
So Andrzej breaks the balance of feelings, and this contributes to the disintegration of the relationship and further weakening of Jowita's feelings. So a quarrel is a terrible way out.
What else can Andrzej do?
- With complete peace and kindness he may say that he found out about her going to the club, but is not angry about that. He may underline that he trusts her and gives her full freedom. Of course he can say that he is sorry that she didn't tell him about going to the club on her own and that it would be great if he told him about it in the future - but it's very important to do it calmly and with respect.
- Will it make her tell him in the future that she is going to the club? Yes.
What's more, if her motivation to go to the club was weakened feelings for her partner and the desire to meet someone new, then Andrzej shows a complete lack of despair - and this has a positive impact on the balance of feelings, and consequently also on his attractiveness.
Let's check another situation. Marcin and Paulina have just started going out and have been meeting for a couple of weeks. At one point Paulina notices that Marcin starts to distance himself and is no longer so eager to meet and get in touch. In the late afternoon, Paulina sends him a text message proposing a meeting, but she doesn't get an answer at all.
Only on the second day Marcin responds: "Hi, sorry, my battery died yesterday and only now I saw your text message. However, Paulina knows that most likely it was a lie, because she saw that this evening Marcin was available all on time on Facebook. Should she tell him about it?
Let's think again why he lies. The most likely answer is one: He was not interested in the meeting and he is much less interested in Paulina herself. He showed it quite strongly by not talking to her and then lying about it. If he cared about her, he would behave in a completely different way.
Should she tell him that she knew that he lied to her? No. Even if she does it calmly and kindly, she will show interest when he is withdrawn. In such a situation he probably doesn't have any willingness to explain himself. What's more, talking about it won't make him not lie in the future - his lie is due to a lack of interest in Paulina. He won't lie if he's more involved and that's what Paulina needs to focus on the most.
What is the best way to behave in such a situation? Don’t talk about it at all. The problem is not lying itself, but Marcin's low engagement. Paulina can change this by giving him much more space and fixing the balance of feelings.
If you need more info, check my course "How to build and repair a relationship" - click here